2006-10-23 // 03:11:21
ulf
I have a hard time with that word also. There's a number of big words which seem to have been rendered largely irrelevant over time. Freedom comes to mind. But you know, that's probably the semantic purist in you and I talking.

^ Seems so. Freedom is as empty and giganticly mindblowing as love is. And nowadays "individuality" sure candidates for a place on the list with good chances.

2006-10-23 // 03:06:18
ulf
Attempted rephrasing: I have a hard time believing someone who claims to regard a former partner as a kind of balance-sheet of all the feelings and emotions they experienced in their company and after the relationship ended.

^ Hmm..then I did understand it correctly the first time but simply am unable to understand the connection.. ay my brain...3AM god forgive I should go to bed. I adore those talks with you. Feels nice to fall into some deep exchanges.

2006-10-23 // 02:44:40
ulf
And yes, your continuing story of what happened after you ended that relationship is rather gripping. Not knowing this person I of course can't judge whether missing him is weird, but in general it doesn't sound so unusual. After all there must be good and comforting things that made us feel at home in the company of those we chose as mates in the past and longing for these feelings and in connection their presences as it evoked said feelings seems really perfectly normal. I'd be weary and skeptical of somebody that always regarded former lovers as a kind of sum-total of all feelings they ever had for and against them.

^ Sorry, rephrase the last sentence please? To me the the word love is so ridiculous. Mainly because it means so much but is thrown around wildly without a second thought in masses and also is so endlessly often not said when it is needed so much. Such a contradiction.

2006-10-23 // 02:28:11
ulf
You know I love to argue! But I know this fatigue and displeasure you refer to as well. Language is a delicate thing that is impossible to handle with absolute precision, especially when you touch upon sore topics. I'd maintain that those two sentences you picked apart aren't as provocative as you portray them to be, but then it is you they provoked and I'd be an ass to tell you what should or shouldn't rub you wrong and to what degree. I do understand your beef with them and I agree with your points. Consider my verbal wrists slapped.

^ No need for slapping. I said "for now", not "in general". Actually I am very curious about your thoughts on particular areas within that topic.

2006-10-23 // 01:36:42
ulf
I think I sense some overlap in our two examples as far as gender-role behaviors are concerned. The tragedy in male stagnation and complacency (I feel so disappointed and mad when I think of the relationships in which my actions amounted to little more than tired male stereotypes) lies with how it flies in the face of generally-held misconceptions of men being the stronger and more active gender. It seems to me that women more often than not wear the pants, as they say, and I don't understand why this society keeps holding on to this self-deceiving fantasy of male dominance and control in all walks of life. And how can women tolerate these loud, ignorant bullies wreaking havoc on everything? Don't they have a choice in the matter?

Overcoming this guilt that you describe does sound like a tall order. I think it may also be men's fault to a large degree for not bearing their fair share of the weight of such decisions and actions that follow them.

How do you feel about this former partner now? Is there still bitterness or has it resolved itself over time? Between the two of you, I mean.

^ I will not start a feministic discourse with you now and find your sentences like "And how can women tolerate these loud, ignorant bullies wreaking havoc on everything?" and "Don't they have a choice in the matter?" very provocative in a way that I am not sure if I likje it, even if you appear to be "taking sides" with women (though I still think gender issues are not and should not be about "sides") and I think it is very shallow to call it "tolerating" and "choice" as we are talking about a hierarchy that manifested itself over hundreds of years, you cannot change that within 40 years all together, it takes generations and people like you and me. Men and women. Not only women boycotting it but also men understanding and supporting equality. but as said, that is a different story. About bitterness and guilt; the guilt died the day I broke up and felt despite all the pain and one of my most painful and difficult decisions it was the right thing to do. I am an endlessly responsible, actually over-responsible person, trying to protect everyone from everything, me myself included; this decision was no exception. For me it could have gone on for another 6 to 7 years like that, but I knew I'd hurt him as he sure would start sensing it. I was honest right from the beginning, one of my greatest flaws. I cannot keep secrets from partners, no matter if it means losing. Which was the last result). So he always knew when I was unsure. And it hurt him but he loved too much to let go. So I knew I had to do it even if I knew that my feelings were not gone, they just took different directions that his love did. I seperated from him for his sake. It was my first adult and important decision telling me alot about myself, in a good way. I am "proud" of it. I cried for weeks and months, stayed in contact, sendind messages that I was not well either and that I'd love to see him again after a year as I of course wanted to see how he was and that I'd be there for him non the less etc. In a weird way the first 5 days we went throgh the seperation together. Then we both simultaneously took the necessary distance. (we lived over 1 hr apart..I never saw him again after the break-up night which was one of the strangest nights up to date). So, no bitterness, no guilt, not even pain for me, but sure for him in a way. I think he is married and sure has a kid by now. I omce sent a mail after 1 year, asking how he was, telling him I still thought about him and hope he is well, would appreciate if we met but would understand if he wouldn't want it etc. I received a mail back from his new girlfriend telling me off accusing me of wanting him back but that it was my fault etc stuff like that and afterwards she deleted his mailaccount and everything and I guess he never received my mail. It bugged me for moths.

^ Actually whenever I lose someone he comes to my mind as well as wehen I fall in love. I miss him. Isn't that weird? I think it is. But one would have to know him and me to know it is weird.

2006-10-22 // 22:17:55
ulf
My most important relationship was stillborn for a myriad of reasons and I feel conflicted about giving the impression that it could be reduced to this reason or that (that in fact language and my conscious mind could do a reasonably good job at presenting everything that goes into something like this,) but I will give you this synopsis of why it could never have worked and what happened in the end:

The sparks that attracted us to one another constituted a connection of friendship and not of an intimacy of lovers. There is intimacy in friendship that under some circumstances can appear like a prelude to this intimacy of lovers, but such was not the case with us. We didn't care and jumped in head-first. And it kinda worked as a friendship, but never as love. Neither of us knew how to love one another or anyone else for that matter. But we carried on and on and on. And in my confusion and impotence I turned into a typical male idiot that denies and avoids and holds on to this baseless hope that things can turn to the better without knowing how to affect such a miraculous positive change while she was slowly, painfully looking for an out. And eventually she found it. After seven years.

When it all came into focus (when the aforementioned polaroid was shot) we were about four years into this relationship...and we kept at it for three more! It seems insane and masochistic in retrospect.

I'm forever grateful to her for being the strong woman that killed what should have never been in the first place. And now, going on four and a half years after the end, we are good friends that truly enjoy each others' qualities and interests. But we always really did and our end was amicable and mutually supported. There was no bad blood, no anger, no hatred. Just as this intimacy of lovers, this all-consuming passion and intense adoration and devotion never materialized between us.

It's a strange story that fits my touch/intimacy dysfunction rather well, I have to say.

^ I have to nod about the last sentence. Thank you for sharing. Feel like anything I could reply to this sounds banal right now so I prefer to leave it as is in silence. It is funny how years and years sometimes just slowly bring progress and nothing happens and sometimes 1 or 2 years just change bloody everything in your mind heart and views on the world. Its amazing. My first relationship feels similar to what you wrote though less frstrating and indeed emotional and close, yet my mind blossomed and grew and was eager for more while his..stayed where it was. At work. It lasted 4 yeasrs and in my eyes the last year was a year too long. It took me a year to accept and allow myself to try the seemingly impossible, admitting love slowly died as I grew and he stopped doing so, and I need 4 months to finally do it and a year to be free for something new though no "love" in that sense was attached. It felt weird. And to me is one of my bravest decisions, as this man treated and loved me like maybe no other will again in that way. I could not return it at some poiunt. Which is one of the worst guilt feelings and pains I have experienced so far.

2006-10-22 // 20:53:31
ulf
Never meet? I think we can manage that! We've done pretty damn good so far, wouldn't you say? :-P

Oh, and I just remembered this polaroid (»link) that I shot mere moments after it clearly and finally dawned on me that my one really important relationship in life was built on sand and that despite our best intentions it was doomed from the get-go. Notice the flat-lining and divergent streams/trickles of touch.

^ I just checked the picture you linked to..the similarity and yet diffrence between an euphoric visual and a dooming dark picture is quite intense I think, when you compare the two. Knowing a little bit about the cause of an image always adds to it I think. Usually for the better. My image is sad despite its endlessly positiveness. A love just cannot go where it wants to. Why is it that something despite good intentions, will and love is destined to crumble? If I may ask you? in your case?

2006-10-22 // 19:54:05
ulf
Yes...yes...yes, touch is such a stunning experience for me. The exhilarating chaos in my gut and my mind triggered by touch...so terrifying, so addicting, so repulsive, so fucking hard to deal with, so, so, so important, so never-again, so please-don't-ever-stop, so oh-it-just-kills-me, so god damn alive and so lethal. Touch is the Mt. Everest that will be the death of me one of these days. I can relate, albeit schizophrenically :-)

^ We should never meet, Ulf :-)

2006-02-15 // 03:28:51
LiA
Ohhhh so beautiful to see you received the feeling and message I wanted to send...thank you, that makes me happy!

2006-02-09 // 13:19:56
curiousme
arhh beatiful the way you describe it.. the nison..
this is really beautiful to thing a unison canmake the touch of something that is magnifying, light lighting..
i love this pola!